July 22, 2018

KPMG’s Summer Blast

KPMG Is Getting Hot Over Some of Your Comments on Summer Blast

We don’t need to remind you that there is a long weekend coming up. In fact, some of you may be bolting later today so you could get a jump on a weekend full of bad decisions.

Sensing your anxiety, KPMG wanted to let you know, that contrary to what some people are saying, there are plenty of Klynveldians who are pleased – nay – ecstatic about the KPMG’s Summer Blast.

It’s been suggested to us that “[The] Radio Station engages in masturbation over Summer Blast” which seems about right. The only other thought we had was of John Veihmeyer printing out the most glowing comments and writhing around in them on a conference table (with the Notre Dame fight song playing in the background).


We received the communiqué and have included some of the comments for your own pleasuring purposes:

“I am a long-time employee of KPMG, over 23 years, and have seen a lot of changes occur over that time. I most appreciate the Employer of Choice initiatives that have transformed this firm and made it truly a great place to work. I think it’s the best campaign ever devised by the firm.”

“I’m so happy to see some of what makes KPMG a great place to work is back! It really made my week – made me feel more confident about the future, made me feel like all the hours and hard work are appreciated, and made me even prouder to say that I work for KPMG.”

“Great news to receive on a Monday morning! Thanks so much for the Summer Blast email; I must admit that it has been quite the buzz since the first teaser email was sent. Good to see colleagues hypothesizing about what it could be. Thanks again for the benefits provided through Summer Blast!”

“KPMG ROCKS!!” [Submitted by Tim Flynn]

“I think this is AWESOME that KPMG cares this much about their employees. While other companies are more into ‘what is best for the company,’ OUR firm is saying ‘what is best for our people.’ That goes a long way with me!” [Easy on the caps, Kanye]

“This is such great news! There has been lots of speculation of what Summer Blast would be. The entire package has exceeded our expectations! What an awesome way to start the summer! The staff really appreciate the acknowledgment of our hard work these past few years! Thank you!” [Speaking on behalf of the staff seems presumptuous]

If you don’t see your thoughts here but would like share, fire away.

One Office Will Be Enjoying a Bonus Denim Day During KPMG’s Summer Blast

Last week we were notified that KPMG’s Summer Blast would soon be in full swing and that details would be forthcoming.

TPTB obviously sensed your anxiety about the details and we’re happy to report that we have the details via the Silicon Valley office. And KPMG SV seems pret-tay, pret-tay excited that two days out of your (presumably) five day week will be spent sporting only 50% of the biz casual uniform.

This Summer, Have a Blast on Us!

Our firm is slightly ahead of plan at this point in our fiscal year, and it’s due in large part to your hard work, teaming, and market development focus. Looking ahead, your continued commitment is critical as we push to meet our business objectives for the year.

In appreciation of your efforts, and to help you to recharge your batteries so we can meet the challenges ahead of us, we’re excited to announce KPMG’s Summer Blast!, a program of food, fun, and perks that lasts all summer long and features:

• A Summer BBQ gift that includes a selection of steaks, chicken breasts, sausage, burgers, and gourmet franks

• The return of Summer Weekend Jumpstart

• The introduction of firmwide Blue Jeans Fridays – Given our office already enjoys Blue Jeans Fridays, as part of Summer Blast, the Silicon Valley Office will also have Blue Jeans Mondays for the duration of Summer Blast!

• The return of the Vacation Photo Challenge

To redeem your BBQ gift and see what all the fun is about, visit our Summer Blast Web site. And keep checking out the site in the coming months to see what’s hot this summer.

We hope this Summer Blast! helps you to enjoy and recharge this summer, so we can all pull together as a team, do our best work, and finish 2010 even stronger than we started it.

Have a great summer! And thanks again for everything you do for the firm, no matter the season.

Typically there is some sort of acknowledgment of the vegetarian/kosher crowd but this particular message glaringly omits it. We’re sure there’s an alternative but in the event that you non-meat eaters are SOL, please inform.

Speaking of meat, some Klynveldians had made it known that they’d prefer to buy their own flesh for consumption by way of a bonus or something like that. If you’re staying with that narrative, kindly elaborate further.

(UPDATE): We’ve now learned that if you want vegetarian and/or kosher options, you’ll have to ring up Omaha Steaks yourself. You vegetarians can expect an uncooperative customer service rep subsequent to your, “I don’t eat meat,” revelation.

Let’s Speculate About What KPMG’s Summer Blast Is

Because we asked around and no one has a clue.

KPMGsSummerBlast


But we’ll take a stab at it:

A) More communication blasts from JVeih and Co.

B) Flying all Klynveldians to watch Phil Mickelson continue his Grand Slam tour (and in the process, win back his love).

C) Pool parties at your local OMP’s pad.

D) Doing some hallucinogenics and running through a sunflower field:

E) You tell us.