July 16, 2018

Corporate masturbation

KPMG Is Getting Hot Over Some of Your Comments on Summer Blast

We don’t need to remind you that there is a long weekend coming up. In fact, some of you may be bolting later today so you could get a jump on a weekend full of bad decisions.

Sensing your anxiety, KPMG wanted to let you know, that contrary to what some people are saying, there are plenty of Klynveldians who are pleased – nay – ecstatic about the KPMG’s Summer Blast.

It’s been suggested to us that “[The] Radio Station engages in masturbation over Summer Blast” which seems about right. The only other thought we had was of John Veihmeyer printing out the most glowing comments and writhing around in them on a conference table (with the Notre Dame fight song playing in the background).


We received the communiqué and have included some of the comments for your own pleasuring purposes:

“I am a long-time employee of KPMG, over 23 years, and have seen a lot of changes occur over that time. I most appreciate the Employer of Choice initiatives that have transformed this firm and made it truly a great place to work. I think it’s the best campaign ever devised by the firm.”

“I’m so happy to see some of what makes KPMG a great place to work is back! It really made my week – made me feel more confident about the future, made me feel like all the hours and hard work are appreciated, and made me even prouder to say that I work for KPMG.”

“Great news to receive on a Monday morning! Thanks so much for the Summer Blast email; I must admit that it has been quite the buzz since the first teaser email was sent. Good to see colleagues hypothesizing about what it could be. Thanks again for the benefits provided through Summer Blast!”

“KPMG ROCKS!!” [Submitted by Tim Flynn]

“I think this is AWESOME that KPMG cares this much about their employees. While other companies are more into ‘what is best for the company,’ OUR firm is saying ‘what is best for our people.’ That goes a long way with me!” [Easy on the caps, Kanye]

“This is such great news! There has been lots of speculation of what Summer Blast would be. The entire package has exceeded our expectations! What an awesome way to start the summer! The staff really appreciate the acknowledgment of our hard work these past few years! Thank you!” [Speaking on behalf of the staff seems presumptuous]

If you don’t see your thoughts here but would like share, fire away.