Earlier today, we spotted a post from our friends over at Above the Law mocking eHarmony's "15 Reasons to Date a Lawyer" (or, alternatively, 15 stupid reasons to date a lawyer) which, of course, inspired us to look for an equally stupid article about dating accountants.
But eHarmony didn’t get where it is by acting as an honest broker of love. The whole conceit of eHarmony is some black-box personality test that tells a person what they really want even if they don’t realize it themselves. This post about dating a lawyer follows the same principles: it doesn’t explain why someone should date a lawyer so much as it targets a segment of their audience who want certain qualities in a potential mate and then ham-handedly ascribes those traits to a hypothetical lawyer. When you read eHarmony’s advice, what you realize is they have some members seeking some really unpleasant people.
Lo and behold, some intern at eHarmony who has never met, much less casually encountered an accountant, came up with 15 stupid reasons to date an accountant based in the same alternate reality as the lawyer piece. Who are these perfect people and where do the desperate singles of the world find them?
1. Need to calculate a tip? Your date thinks numbers are fun.
Your date is also a tightwad and you're an idiot if you can't figure out 20% on your own (hint: 10% is easier to calculate, just move the decimal point over one spot to the left and double it… BOOM). The poor guy or gal crunches numbers all day, you really think (s)he wants to spend your date doing math for you? Even worse if they're an auditor. Unless the eHarmony profile specifically says "loves numbers," don't insult the person by expecting a human calculator.
2. Accountants are exceptional decision-makers.
Uh, yeah, with the proper guidance. If you're the what do you want to do today? I don't know, what do YOU want to do today? type, you should probably date someone else like a control freak CEO or Martha Stewart.
3. They’re ethical. Accountants abide by strict accounting standards. If you like playing by the rules, an accountant might be your perfect match.
Yup, that open book ethics exam your Romeo in Chinos took years ago will really come in handy when he's drunk at the bar with his buddies getting hit on by an off-duty Hooters waitress trust me.
4. They’re also good at finding loopholes. Accountants know the rules so well, they can make them work for you.
Dude, did you read what you just wrote? In one breath, you say accountants abide by strict standards and in the next, you say they're good at being sneaky little monkeys who know how to weasel their way around the rules they know so well.
9. They’ll take the fear out of money matters. Date an accountant, and there’s no need to fear being audited.
Hate to break it to the author of this fantastic piece of speculative fiction but just because accountants are good at managing other people's money doesn't mean they are any good at managing their own. This is evidenced by the fact that the most popular CPA review course is $3000+ when it's entirely possible to pass with a few $50 textbooks.
10. You’ll have tax-season help.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus. News flash: not all accountants are in tax! The last person you want tax help from is a Big 4 auditor. Plus, there's nothing less romantic than a financially-irresponsible dipshit handing you a bunch of receipts stuffed into a shoebox expecting you to make sense of them because you are an accountant therefore you totally do taxes riiiiight? Take that shit to H&R Block, fool.
In summation, while eHarmony may be good at making matches, they're even better at making broad, ignorant assumptions about people who do not actually exist based on stereotypes. Date an accountant at your own risk.