Sex at the Office During Busy Season, a Guide

We're hearing unconfirmed rumors from several sources that two auditors — a senior and a second year — were recently busted getting busy in the audit room at the client site. No, we aren't talking about getting busy ticking and tying, we mean getting down and dirty with a little one-on-one double entry.

Since no one has yet been able to confirm this rumor, we're just going to leave this here for now and give you guys a few tips on how not to get caught satisfying your primal urges should you feel compelled to get it on with your fellow capital market servants.

#1: DO NOT BANG AT THE CLIENT SITE

We get it. You've been spending a lot of time with Sally (not to be confused with SALY) and the more time you spend sipping stale Starbucks in the prison that is your audit room, the more you realize that she's got really great eyes and it's been exactly 7 months since you've felt the warm embrace of another human being (unless you count the TSA agent who felt you up before your flight to the client's city).

This is just busy season delirium setting in. Soon it will pass and you'll have plenty of time to hit the bar and hook up with throwaway sluts you will never speak to again.

If you must give in to your desires, the client's is pretty much the worst place to do it. Not only because no one ever got turned on by whirring Xerox machines and the romantic sound of an overworked Keurig machine brewing bad coffee, but because you aren't there to get it on. At least go back to your crappy hotel room and do it there like normal people do.

#2: DO NOT GET CAUGHT

Although there is no PCAOB auditing standard that expressly forbids hooking up with fellow auditors, you don't need your PCAOB overlords to tell you why this is generally a bad idea. What happens if it isn't any good? The audit room is bad enough as it is, you don't want to have to avoid each other for the remainder of your time on this audit together because you couldn't perform.

If you absolutely must, at least control yourself until you've wrapped the audit, which will give you time to be moved to another client next year should things not work out.

#3: DO NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE YOU SUPERVISE, NOR ANYONE WHO SUPERVISES YOU

This is almost like a bad porno story. "Becky, step into my office, we need to talk about your performance…"

Straight line, folks, straight line. Anyone at your level is fair game but when it comes to hooking up with anyone above or below you, beware.

Remember, you are expected to maintain the appearance of independence at all time. And we all know quivering nether regions sometimes have a mind of their own.

#4: DEFINITELY NO BANGING ANYONE FROM THE CLIENT'S

Now, you might get the bright idea that it's a good idea to hook up with that hot little number at the client's but this is almost worse than hooking up with your fellow auditor. Just keep it in your pants and worry about what you came there to do.

Nothing in the engagement letter mentions you being sent to the client to satisfy people at the client's. If it did, firms would probably charge a whole lot more in audit fees.

 

Have any wild stories of audit room romps to share? Tips on how not to get caught? Drop your wisdom (but not your pants) in the comments.

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