Subject: And When I Leave Come Together Like Butt Cheeks
You can figure out where this is going to go based on that alone, I’m sure.
Predictably, this email has been making the rounds since it was sent. If the OP was shocked it went viral in public accounting inboxes up until this point, wait until he sees it here. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, including the OP, who isn’t innocent at all but still deserves that. I think.
Hey Motherfuckers!
Guess who just got the fuck outta Dodge?! This guy! How many people had Craig Douchenozzlestein lasting until August 4, 2011 in the YMP pool?
But seriously, it is NOT easy to get out of these contracts. Im pretty sure it would have been easier to escape from Auschwitz th knew from the second week I start here that this wasn’t going to work out. I mean, working past 7pm cuts significantly into my drinking and foundling women time. So therefore, since October 28, 2008 when I was forced to work until 10pm on my fucking 23rd birthday, these wheels have been in motion.
I feel like it is probably appropriate to go over what got me to this point of release, in case anyone wants to take a similar approach and not have to pay back any tuition money and get a severance package.
The first breaking point for EY was during my staff 2 year when I lost an inventory count and the bitch of a senior manager WOULD NOT stop hassling me about it. Dude, I told you I lost it. No matter how many emails or sametimes you sent me, that sheet isn’t coming back. Get over it. Rose cried less when the Titanic sank. Needless to say, he personally wrote my review. Didn’t go over too well during roundtables.
The next “occurrence” happened in February 2009 during busy season. It was a Friday night and I was newly broken up with [the girlfriend] for the 24th time. That Saturday I had to work on [rando client] in the office because we just received their 10K. However, this was a minor inconvenience because 2 buddies from college were in town and I had a kitchen full of liquor waiting for them. During that night at the bars, I hit it off with one of the girls in our party and, as any guy knows, the first lay after a break up is as necessary as oxygen. So we leave to go back to my apartment only to realize I had given my buddy from college my keys so he could get in later. In a crime of passion and lack of forethought, I punched through our glass window to get into the lobby, only to realize the door to my apartment was still locked. Not letting this stop my teenage sex drive, we hopped a 30 minute cab to her place. The next morning I awoke at 11am realizing I should have been at work 2 hours ago. By the time I got to work it was 1pm, I reeked of booze and was bleeding all over the place because of my hand. AND I had forgotten my badge so called the senior manager to come let me in who greeted me with a “what the hell happened to you?” I also found out I had texted my senior the prior night while in the cab saying “Getting laid in West Randombury, Ill be at work ASAP” at 3am. Needless to say, my year end review mentioned something about “unprofessional” and “this is a career, not some part time job”
Those 2 situations resulted in me being held back for my staff 2 year. After that, there was not much anyone could do that would prevent me from doing what I wanted to do. I worked from home, ignored deadlines, and pretty much didn’t give a shit. I even made up some bullshit excuse that I was stuck travelling back from the Kentucky Derby in Pennsylvania during a 3/31 year-end just so I could catch up on the DVR I missed while away for the weekend.
The final straw that broke Camel Craig’s back resulted from a year-end job at the beginning of January. The Manager was a complete bitch and I spent most of my day exchanging texts with a girl I had met the prior weekend at the bar. She did not take kindly to this. But the breaking point for her was definitely when I didn’t show up til 2pm on that Friday because it was my roommates birthday the night before. Everyone knows Roommates birthday=Your Birthday, right?!?! That’s another thing that gets me about this place, everyone is so caught up in work they forget about enjoying life. Shit, life is so short (especially if you are a raging alcoholic) and is way too short to spend stressing over excel sheets all damn day. Every once in a while enjoy it! Take a sick day to go to the beach. Get hammered on your roommates birthday and come in late, have unprotected se…. well, maybe not too much enjoyment. But you get the message!
But I digress, I truly enjoyed my summers with you guys and the shit we got away with. I hope I was able to have a positive effect on your lives in some way, even if it was just “damn, at least Im not as bad as Craig . Did you see him lick the Backer pole last night?!” I hope you all keep in touch and wish you the best down the road.
If you guys are ever in the Random City area, Im always down to meet up. Just no rioting like we did when Joey and Dan were here.
One Love,
Craig
Good luck to you in your future endeavors, “Craig,” you’ll need it.
Please note, we’re pretty sure this guy is a one-off and not at all reflective of the overall quality of his colleagues. Therefore let’s reserve any judgments for Craig and Craig alone. Judge away, my darlings.
