January 20, 2019

KPMG’s Official Statement Meets Mystery (Bachelor of) Science (in Accounting) Theater

When a giant insider trading turd hits the fan of independence, KPMG spokesman Timothy Connolly is there with a Clorox wipe to sanitize the minds of the American public. Here's what he said. Be careful, it'll probably sting your amygdala.

Late last week, we were informed that the partner in charge of KPMG’s audit practice in our Los Angeles business unit was involved in providing non-public client information to a third party, who then used that information in stock trades involving several West Coast companies.

No. Herbalife and Skechers makes TWO companies, not SEVERAL companies. It's weird that the spokesman for the fourth-largest accounting firm in the whole damn world sucks at counting.

The partner was immediately separated from the firm.

Immediately "separated"? What does that even mean? Say "fired" or "forced to resign" or "put on indefinite leave with pay in Samoa1." Laundry gets separated. People get shitcanned.

KPMG’s 22,000 partners and employees unequivocally condemn this individual’s rogue actions.

But wait. According to the KPMG profile on NYJobSource.com, "KPMG employment is made up of 7,953 partners, 106,973 client service professionals, and 25,309 administration and support staff working in member firms around the world." That’s 140,235 partners and employees; ergo, 118,235 KPMG partners and/or employees support these rogue actions2.

KPMG remains committed to the highest standards of professionalism, integrity and quality.

This commitment to professionalism is why they always wear suits and never say "shit" or "fuckin'" when providing non-public client information to third parties.

Scott London, former partner in charge of KPMG's SoCal audit practice and insider-trading pooch-screwer, issued the following statement:

Let me first say that I regret my actions in leaking non-public data to a third party regarding the clients I served for KPMG.

Apparently Scotty doesn't regret any embezzlement, fraud, or prostitution that he may or may not have engaged in.


Most importantly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, is that KPMG had nothing to do with what I did.

You couldn't emphasize it enough, but you could have emphasized it more. Try using all caps. The mere absence of exclamation points makes me think that KPMG maybe did have something to do with it.


These leaks started a few years back in an effort to help out someone whose business was struggling.

See. Scott London wasn't insider trading; he was championing small business.


From time to time over the last couple of years, this third party would ask me how these clients were doing. On a few occasions over the past few years, this individual would ask if he should buy or sell a stock and I gave him my thoughts indicating whether the stock was a good buy or not. Never once did I pass any documents to him.

Except the check at Hooters.


But rather we spoke on the phone and the information I provided was in the form of a suggestion.

Like, "Silver Linings Playbook is a fantastic date movie. I suggest that you and your wife go…short on Skechers."


He traded on the information, but to this day I am not aware of how much he profited from the information.

I only saw one Bentley in his garage. There could have been more in the carriage house.


Regardless, what I have done was wrong and against everything that I had believed in.

Except my belief that he should go short on Skechers.


I spent nearly 30 years at KPMG and I dedicated my entire life to that Firm.

<<Pan to picture of London's children and cue "Cat's In The Cradle.">>


Knowing that I have caused harm and embarrassment to those that I respected and admired in the Firm has caused me tremdous grief that I am sure I will never overcome.

I'm sure he'll get over his tremdous grief about the same time he learns to use his spell-checker.


1A non-extradition country.
2 There are approximately 22,000 KPMG partners and employees in the United States, so maybe it’s just the foreigners who support the rogue actions. That’s why I say, kill all those Flemish cock suckers.

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