July 19, 2018

What Do We Think Is Going Through KPMG CEO Lynne Doughtie’s Mind During This Interview?

Lynne Doughtie KPMG

If you’re a Big 4 CEO, part of your job includes bopping around lavish business events like the World Economic Forum. KPMG U.S. CEO Lynne Doughtie is no exception, but given this week’s events, you can’t help but wonder if she’s doing so with a raging fire atop her head.

Not that you would know by watching this video:

She’s no different than other CEOs. Poised. Optimistic. Inspired.

But in the back of her mind somewhere, she has to be thinking about how, 4,000 miles away, her firm is the middle of public relations and existential nightmare. So what’s that interior monologue saying? It’s impossible to know, but here is one likely stream of consciousness:

  • ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShit
  • How many times did I have to go to lunch Middendorf? A dozen? A hundred? The guy ate like a pig. Disgusting.
  • What if I just strapped on a pair of skis and disappeared into the Swiss Alps?
  • How many times have we told people ‘Imagine the content of your email being on the front page of the Wall Street Journal‘? Is it possible that that suggestion doesn’t work?
  • Everyone’s innocent until proven guilty. The DOJ has made mistakes before.
  • ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShit
  • Dear God, please have Trump get busted with a Russian prostitute. I’ll never ask you for anything again.
  • My career is fine. Fine. I’m the CEO. Sure, the buck stops with me, but we fired the bad apples. Just a few bad apples. Right? We got them all. Didn’t we? I’m sure we did. I mean, who else is left? Just a few bad apples. Just a few bad apples.
  • ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShit
  • When the is interview going to be over? I have to pee.

[BI]

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SHOCKER: Number of Fraud Cases in the Courts is High

In probably the most shocking news of the day, KPMG’s “fraud barometer” reports that the number of fraud cases in UK courts in the first six months of the year are the highest since the firm started issuing the report, 21 years ago.
Here in the states, the big sexy fraud gets all the attention but there is plenty of small fraud to go around. Plus, the bright side is, we’ve haven’t seen anything yet:

“These figures are bad, but the worst is yet to come,” Hitesh Patel, a partner at KPMG, said. “It will be a number of years before the impact of the recession fully feeds through into the fraud statistics.”

So our advice would be for any of you that are nervous about layoffs, look into getting transferred to the forensic accounting practice. You won’t be out of work any time soon.
Record total of fraud cases in court – and worse to come [FT.com]

Ernst & Young Is Here to Help (For a Small Fee)!

ernst_young.jpgWe thought that Ernst & Young was advising the New York Fed on the winding down of AIG out of the goodness of their hearts but it turns out it’s actually about the money.
E&Y could make as much as $60 million advising the New York Fed, which is 50% more than the initial agreement, according to Bloomberg. The NYF is also reimbursing E&Y for expenses, up to 10% of the professional fees. This occurs after the parties had initially said $40 million would be the cap but $60 mil is it, we swear, no more.
And because E&Y is solid like that, the firm is billing out partners and directors at discounted rates ($775/hour). I mean, ’cause, let’s face it, this thing’s a mess and E&Y is going to be working hard, working late, working weekends.
Ernst & Young’s Maximum Pay for AIG Advice Swells [Bloomberg]