I'm not a music snob, but I have my preferences.
Listening to Abba makes me want to punch a kitten. But I don't. Partly because I'm afraid of Adrienne, and partly because my subjective preferences don't justify violent acts towards animals that use their sandpaper tongues to clean their buttholes. [Ed. note: I will personally punch anyone who thinks it's cool to punch kittens]
I once left Safeway because they started playing a Neil Diamond song. He was coming to America. I was going to Albertsons.
And I know you're not supposed to say it out loud, but I don't like Metallica. I'll admit "For Whom the Bell Tolls" was a great choice for the opening credits of Zombieland, but apart from horror films and background music at human sacrifice rituals, I have little use for Lars and the rest.
That being said, I generally keep my musical tastes to myself because I don't like being judged based on my iTunes playlists. You know, those people. You’ve reached enlightenment and now Nickelback sucks, we get it.
But H&R Block isn’t scared of your judgment. They’ve got one green square and two big balls, and this last busy season while you had your head lodged up your taxhole, they produced ten songs and music videos under their record label Billion Back Records. (It’s like Death Row Records, except white collar crime has more lenient sentencing and Vanilla Ice isn't hanging by his feet from an open window)
All of the videos can be seen at BillionBackRecords.com. I don’t want to be too critical of the musicians. They’re just some kids with a dream who were willing to get pimped out by H&R Block.
Here’s a quick review of the songs:
Clara C: “Things Untold”
The main thing that was untold was how the song relates to H&R Block.
Jason Chen: “Live It Up”
The message of the video seems to be that when you get your refund, you get to "Live It Up." And apparently living it up is getting to hold hands with a girl and walking to the right for 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
Julia Sheer: “Right On The Money”
In the video, Julia goes to her mailbox and finds a letter from H&R Block that reads, “Seize the day! Take that tax refund check to the bank!” Hell yes. Carpe diem! Because cashing tax refund checks was the main takeaway of Dead Poets Society. The song itself was about how she and her boyfriend are a perfect couple. Maybe it was about her and her husband. She never mentions her filing status.
iJustine: “Buying a Mini Pig!!!”
iJustine’s got bills that she should pay and rent that’s overdue, but when she gets her tax refund, she’s going to buy a miniature pig, “order every single game, and lay around until [she's] sick.” This was H&R Block's big push for personal financial responsibility.
Pomplamoose: “One In A Million”
This was a cool song with a funky, artsy video. The coolest thing about it was that there was no perceptible connection to H&R Block or taxes or refunds. These guys played music, and they played H&R Block.
Jimmy Wong: “Get that $$$ Back”
I honestly liked this one. And what's not to like about an Asian rapper with fake Joey Fatone facial hair busting rhymes about paying taxes? He properly disses a juicer in favor of a mixer, incorporates an anagram, and has a random Pythagoras reference. The underlying message is, if an Asian kid can’t figure out his own taxes, neither can you.
Meghan & Lucas: “Gettin Money Back”
This was by far my favorite because Meghan and Lucas wrote a song that recognizes how absurd it is to write a song for H&R Block. My favorite line is, “It’s like getting free money. Except it’s not, but I’ll take it anyway.” They also tell people to file their taxes online, which I'm pretty sure undermines H&R Block’s main revenue stream of people not filing their taxes online.
The other three songs were “Silver Linings” by Joey Graceffa, "Money Back" by Dia Frampton, and “No Money (Jetski)” by Joe Hertler & The Rainbow Seekers, and all of them were better than Abba. I hope you've found this review helpful, as I would hate for you to ask for a refund on the time it took to watch these like I did.
