How To Write an Epic Farewell Email

BWHAHA we changed it up! You thought Colin was going to milk a second post out of the pathetic farewell email he barely posted yesterday but we have just twisted your brains by having ME do a follow-up. WHAT WHAT.

Anyway. When the [dude who's terrible at writing farewell emails] E&Y email came in via the tip box, I must have been doing something else because I barely read it. And then eventually I landed on my couch and got to it. I tried. I really did. I write A LOT and even I found that TL;DR. If it's a joke, it's a really boring joke. So in the interest of helping you help us provide everyone with the best farewell emails ever, here are some tips.

NO NOVELS
Listen, we get it. Your job sucked. You want to go out with a bang and you feel like dropping every inside joke is going to accomplish that. It won't. Keep it short. Anything above 1500 words and you look pathetic and clingy. Just walk away. Blah blah Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out blah blah. Get it done, don't linger, it's not cute nor clever. It killed me to leave CPA review but I did it like a bandaid; thanks for teaching me what you did but I'm out. Rip it off. Don't puss out here, this is your one goodbye so make the most of it.

LIMIT IT TO THOSE YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
This should seem like common sense but clearly it isn't. You're more of a legend if you drop your brief wisdom on the few individuals who you truly enjoyed working with and leave it at that. Trust us. If it's good, everyone will see it anyway so preserve some badassery by choosing just a few colleagues (love or hate) to spread your message to. If you're picking on a particularly assy coworker, by all means CC but don't be an email whore about it.

STAY ON TOPIC 
Did I say keep it brief? What's so hard about that? You're going to look way cooler if you keep it short and get out. You are moving on to bigger and better things, right? Forget the intern who threw you under the bus in his first two months, you're above all that. Don't get nostalgic now, you're walking away remember?! Stay on topic.

BE CREATIVE
Thousands of farewell emails have been written over the years and chances are whatever you're planning on saying has already been said. So why not try doing something different?

BCC GOING CONCERN 
Let us judge if your farewell email is epic. Names will be changed to protect the innocent but it isn't our fault if you offer up enough identifying details for others to figure out what office you used to work in. Again, if you keep it brief, you won't have that problem. Whatever, just BCC us and we'll figure it out later. Let us know how you're doing 6 months.

Are we clear?

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