What do I love more than an ice cold Diet Coke and a full TiVo queue of bad reality TV? When the reality contestants are accounting scrubs, obviously. I’ve ranked the following accounting reality stars based on courage, entertainment value, and actual talent.
7) The Award for Best Dating Show Contestant: Mara, Legal Accountant from Canada, Baggage
, the dating show that has become Jerry Springer’s finest life’s work, featured Canadian legal accountant, Mara. (No, I don’t know what a legal accountant is either, but that’s Canada for ya, eh?) During the course of the show, Mara revealed that her dog has 36 outfits and 11 pairs of shoes, that she has no female friends, and finally, that she keeps a portable urinal in her car because she slogs through LA traffic on the daily. It’s actually called an “internet urinal
” for people who don’t want to pause Elder Scrolls Online. It’s real. I Googled it.
Honorable Dating Show Mentions:
6) The Award for “Never Aired but Should Have because I TOTES Would Have Watched”: Lynn Tilton, The Diva of Distressed
Okay, Lynn Tilton isn't technically an accountant but she is known for her business prowess helping distressed companies, but she’s also known for that one time in the eighties when she sent her investors Christmas card pics of herself dressed as a lingerie-clad Mrs. Claus. (It was the eighties, though –- who can really blame her?) Insiders also claim that she threw herself a fiftieth birthday party where employees took Jello shots off her chest and stomach. She later starred in her own reality TV show (although it never aired) called “The Diva of Distressed.”
5) The Award for Most Valuable Urine: Victoria Hunt, Extreme Cheapskates
Considering that many accountants have roommates
to save a buck or two, we all know that accountants are cheap, but Victoria Hunt is a special brand of cheap. “51-year-old Victoria Hunt of Ohio pees in a bottle” (or maybe an internet urinal) “and dumps it in her garden.” She’s a self-made millionaire
, which is to be expected after using one’s own urine to make a garden grow…
American Idol is the best show on television as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t missed an epi in like ten years, and my heart is broken into a million dark little shards now that FOX announced that next season is Idol’s last. This fellow made the list because a) he made the auditions round of the undisputed greatest show on television, and b) he used his powers for good to hypnotize his coworkers singing “Rolling in the Deep” during the PwC Town Hall. I would have ranked Steve higher, as he’s the only one on my list with actual God-given talent, but PwC failed to provide me either photos or videos of the Town Hall performance
. You all know how the internet works: pics or it didn’t happen.
3) The Award for Most Disturbing: Kate Hashimoto, PwC, Extreme Cheapskates
Is it coincidence that Extreme Cheapskates made this accounting-themed list twice? Kate Hashimoto stands out to me
as one of the more disturbing accountants of Going Concern notoriety. The Post reported that she "Dumpster-dives for all her food, doesn’t use toilet paper or do laundry, and hasn’t bought toiletries in 10 years. She doesn’t have to live this way — she’s an employed CPA." My guess is that Extreme Cheapskates paid her to divulge these dirty deets because even if you did live sans toilet paper and dug through the trash in search of lean ground beef, whyyyyy would you admit these things to a television audience?
2) The Award for #1 Supervillain: IRS Hitman
If you haven’t watched at least one preview, I urge you to view a few of the videos that Caleb has kindly provided
. The IRS Hitman is the Robin Hood of the tax world. He helps tax-delinquent deadbeats who complain when the IRS garnishes their bank accounts and wages. He rides around on a motorcycle acting like an H&R Block supervillain and taking up screen time. But he’s no match for the Taxinator.
1) The Award for Real Life Ninja:
Kevin “Taxinator” Hogan, American Ninja Warrior
I’ve long dreamed of becoming a ninja and using my inhuman upper body strength to scale stony outcroppings and impress my Facebook friends, but tax accountant Kevin Hogan
has made that dream a reality. Kevin made it through the first round of this year’s NBC’s “American Ninja Warrior,” a show where contestants showcase strength and agility by traversing an obstacle course. “According to Hogan, who has done everything from lifting on his own to CrossFit and other workouts, preparing for “America Ninja Warrior” is about three things – trampoline work, balance, and a strong grip.”
The show’s not as good as the original because it lacks the Japanese announcers and English subtitles, but still — Kevin Hogan is living the dream. Truly.