Forgive us for running this before we've had an opportunity to confirm, we're waiting for a call back from our press contact but in the meantime, so many of you have sent this in that we're pretty confident this is anything but a joke. How did this happen?! More important, what just happened?!
From: Robert E Moritz/US/PwC
To: All PwC Americas-US
Date: 04/01/2014 08:00 AM
Subject: Farewell and QUEEN BRIT ALL DAY!
To my PwC family,
It is with a heavy heart that I write this email I have been dreading writing since the moment I realized I can no longer continue living a lie. We here at PwC strive to maintain honesty in both fact and appearance and therefore I must share exciting news with all of you.
Effective April 15, 2014, I will be stepping down as US Chairman. It has been an honor to serve you and our clients in this capacity since 2009 and though I was only recently elected to a second four year term, after a long discussion with many of the stakeholding partners, we have decided it would be in the firm's best interest for me to step down from my post.
After much consideration, we as a firm have decided to open up the Chairman position to a future thought leader who aligns with our company beliefs and innovative way of attacking the challenges faced by global companies each and every day. As such, I will be working closely with California State University – Northridge graduate Mike Szabo, who recently excelled in a winter internship program at our Los Angeles office, to mentor him into taking over my role. Mike is a student member of the AICPA, has passed two parts of the CPA exam, and brings several months of internship experience to the position. We are really looking forward to the wonderful things he can do for PwC!
Now, on to the important part.
I want to take this moment to recognize the many wonderful people I have worked with over the years. But before I do, I want to recognize the haters.
Feel free to take these tips to your next Team Meeting.
Auditing is for the birds, get a real career that has meaning #dontbeFAKEaboutitbeABOUTit
Coach and partner "relationships" or "meetings" or whatever we call them, just stop #thatissoawkward #icantdeal #fakeconvosforfakeauditors
[Vice Chairman #1], you're fake important and you stink. I've peeped your game…constantly trying to throw me under the bus. You talk too much about everyone and how much you're so stressed out on all of your clients …everyday we suffer from hearing this ish as well as listening to your countless stories about your girlfriend. You're such a gossiper that sometimes I think you're more feminine then you appear. Who does that? You're a grown man, get your life! #somethingtotakebacktomizzy #f*outtahere #yourlifesucksandyouclearlyknowit #somethingtotakebacktotheteam? #chattycathy #femininemuch? #someoneneedstheirvagwaxed #ohwaityoudonthaveone
P.s. [Vice Chairman #1], I can give two shits about your animals, maids, brother, etc. Is your life really that boring? Never seen people so in love with animals in life. #ewwnotcomingovertoyourplace #probsmellslikefecesandthrowup #couchesprobtornup #ohletmeguesstheysleepinyourbed #absolutelydisgusting | Get some friends to tell your business to. #ohwaitdrakesaidnonewfriends #maybeyouneedjesusinstead #yourvisionofyourselfisskewed #takeyourselfdownacoupleofnotches #youhavenotarrivedimsorry #crownforthequeenbrit #ohandbythewaycelinedioncannottouchbey #beyhivebitches
[Vice Chairman #2], I saw you yesterday giving me the side eye. I think those eyeballs need some readjusting.
[Managing Partner #3], where do I start? You hate yourself and your job, let's be honest. Your cat doesn't care about you so stop caring about it. Stories about your nasty cat are unbearable. Seriously, I can't even deal. Beyond gross! You're fake ratchet! I hear you giving weird remarks that are borderline weird….I can definitely hear the twang in your voice. Just be you!
Most of all, though, I want all of you to know why Britney Spears is better than Beyonce ANY day #BritBritallday so here are ten reasons:
- Toxic is the greatest video of all time. Am I the only one who pictures stewardesses doing that dance on a business flight? Oh, sorry, flight attendants, I forgot we have to be PC up in here #diversity #yeahwhatever
- She married down and that's fine with me, Mrs. BoMo was an intern when I married her which is like a backup dancer in the Big 4 anyway
- Brit is classy, her kids have real names. What is "Blue Ivy" anyway? I would put review notes all over that kid's fucking birth certificate #cantevenwiththat
- I start every day with a large, cold Starbucks beverage myself so I completely support Brit's frappucino addiction #caramelflanbitch #extracaramelalldayerrryday
- I've always believed in comebacks, and Britney had the greatest comeback of all time. Everyone deserves a second chance #flipout #getitgirl
- DOUBLE DENIM with Justin Timberlake. Who does that?! BRIT that's who.
- The Madonna kiss. A lot of people kissed Madonna, even me back in my day, but no one kissed her like Britney kissed her.
- No one on conspiracy theory websites talks about Beyonce but Britney has her own conspiracy websites. I'm not sure if she really is a shapeshifting lizard but if she is, she is the greatest shapeshifting lizard of all time #nocontest
- Britney is the QUEEN, she is the best performer alive.
- And now that I am leaving this place, I am the KING. Call me, Brit Brit! #doingtheharlemshakeasitype
On that note, I'M OUT. I wish you all the best, anyone who isn't a hater can reach me at email@example.com and I will give you my new KPMG address when I have it.
Robert E. Moritz
PwC | Chairman
300 Madison Ave, New York, NY 10017