We've receieved the first ridiculous farewell email of 2013 and it continues the trend of TMI professional good-byes that go viral among the public accounting industry.
Purpose: To convey in the most appropriate way possible via email the widely known fact that I am jumping aboard a ship to sail to calmer waters and greener pastures.Evidence Gathered: What can I say? The time has come. Well, its technically the third time I have put this action in motion but as the saying goes – "third time is a charm." It is almost a jaded message but one that I think inherently conveys the angst with which I have anticipated this day. Honestly, it comes with different emotions than I would have anticipated years ago. There is a small feeling of separation anxiety and a small insecurity with the choice made. Yet, I think it's safe to say these manly emotions can be attributed to the immense success of PwC's 2009 Propaganda Campaign which I became acquainted with on 10/4/2009, my glorious first day.Rhetorical Question: Do you want to be a success in life?? Great, you need to stay until at least manager. Don't worry, while this may result in diabetes, the dismantling of a few relatively important relationships, high cholesterol, obesity, an innate dissatisfaction of your life, and an ever-decreasing level of self-respect, your odds of becoming a CFO are greater. Jobs you are passionate about do not really exist anyway. Shut up and crunch numbers.What can I say, they had me sold. I thought I would potentially stay until this magnificent milestone. And why not? PwC will give you 25% of your salary when you make it as an extra bonus. And you won't want that money the day of the promotion. Why would you? Honestly, you realistically don't even need it which is one of the contributing reasons they make you do 3 years to Senior and 3 years to Manager. How much more money could they possibly give you? At the end of the day, greed is evil, and in essence, they are protecting you. So hold tight for 9 more months and the money is yours. Does anyone else feel like PwC is a desperate girlfriend who knows you are continuously trying to break up with her so she finds any way possible to keep you around for another day, week, month??? Maybe I need to date smarter, or just be smarter. Who knows (unfortunately, the Atlanta and Denver offices)? Then again, I chalk up the ignorance to the distraction the copious amounts of money I have been rewarded has provided.
I don't want to go without a big thanks to PwC:
- Words said: We would love for you to move to Denver! Can you do it in 4 weeks (mind you its supposed to take months – plural). I know its sudden but don't worry, you will work less and your quality of life will be significantly better. Words Meant: Ryan you are young, naive, and gullible – so listen up: You are going to get put on the shittiest client in the Rockies. You will work every Saturday and be too tired to ski Sundays. You will still go, but boy will you be fucking exhausted Monday morning while the mountain of work you have to complete mounts up. If you get stressed, be tough. There are enough people crying in the audit room currently. Some are managing to hold back their tears until they get into the car at midnight. Set an example. Suck it up. Don't be a bitch. At least you are closer to the mountains. They are pretty. Worse case, you hold on longer to old relationships that you can use to get out. I am sure that will end well.
- Real Actual Question: Do I need any shots before heading to India for the 9 days I am assigned? Real Actual Answer: "No, no one that has gone over there with PwC has gotten shots." Interesting, because I heard everyone does, but I'll roll with it. I suppose he meant "Of course moron. This is pretty last minute and IFR Managers are mindless morons so I am going to say no to make this easier for all involved parties. While you skip 20% of your work days over there because you are vehemently throwing up, just know that when you are able to stand we will make it up to you by taking you to all the all-you-can-eat Indian buffets your heart desires. Also, in between sitting on the toilet and throwing up into it, take solace in the fact that you aren't breathing in the shit infested air outside. It can't be enjoyable for someone with asthma and allergies like yourself. (Side note for those travelling to India – I tell this story when India comes out. Watch strange men attempting to throw feces on your shoes. It can cost you a lot of monopoly money. I mean Rupees).
- You will all be working on a very important project to the firm. This will in every way help your career as there is a lot of exposure and a plethora of networking opportunities. Real Meaning – We are making so much fucking money on you, I will tell you anything. You have an incredibly easy job so just be happy you can revert back to collegiate life and get paid. However, please note that while in NJ there will be a hurricane. Trust that we will wait until the last minute to tell you not to fly up North for the week. You should probably pay for internet at 30,000 feet so when you get the news to not come you can practice your sales skills and see if you can get the pilot to turn around. It is your fault anyway you took the slightly cheaper flight to get up there a few hours earlier to avoid the weather anyway, moron.
- GREAT NEWS – Instead of a bonus this year (remember our lesson about greed and your sufficient existing wealth), we are going to send you to Palos Verdes, CA where you will be surrounded by several hundreds of your peers. It will be so fun and relaxing. You get a daily schedule where you get to run around doing 6th grade activities with a bunch of douches who enjoy these retarded team building activities – if you can really even call them that. When you are done playing, we take a dive into your soul to help you explain why your masochism is perpetuating your tenure here. Your repressed feelings will surface and you will fight quitting on the spot just so you can play games near the ocean a few more days. Also, good luck finding someone to really binge drink the pain away with; most people here are married or as lame as it gets.So, to sum up the aforementioned, thanks big time Dubs. In retrospect, it is hard to complain too much about my time here. Roaming from Atlanta to Denver to Chicago back to Atlanta to get staffed 75% of the year on a project split between NC and NJ, where your main concern each day was not throwing up at your seat (A huge shout out to whoever threw up outside the girls bathroom) really isn't all that bad. Throw in various free weekend trips on the firm during the project and some prior trips out of the country and to the west coast, and one can almost forget how bad this place can be. In the end, its just time to transition into a little more freedom and little less bullshit.Conclusion: I would like to end by thanking the people that made my life and job tolerable the last three years. The friends in Atlanta during my first and second stint, the group out in Denver who I saw so much they were essentially like a my Denver family ([redacted names/initials]), Chicago for putting me on a Risk Assurance gig for which the client refused to give us work but allowed us to kill the code (lot of stressful days signing on and sitting on the couch while my Senior was looking for new jobs) and, well, everyone on the IFR/CFG project. Let's just say, I knew deep down there was no turning back after 7 months of debauchery that created memories I have been trying to repress since and some that I will share over drinks for years to come. I so badly want to include stories but so many stories would illicit suspicions of people sexuality and tendencies and other would result in people jumping on the last day bandwagon. So after making finding a way to make 2012 my bitch professionally, I leave on the best note possible (personally, at least. I think my HR wants to castrate me for leaving in January but I actually listened at Discover so the jokes on them).For those of you staying, I refuse to "wish you the best." Rather, I pray you keep your head up and find ways to make drinkable lemonade out of the rotten produce inherited. Should you wander on towards greener pastures and want to throw me a high paying job, my personal details are below. And don't fret Atlanta Office, once I am gone, I will start my mission of finding a new girl each June to get me into the Promotions Party. How else would inappropriate things happen?Good luck finding an FSLI to hide the time your spent reading this. Good thing its Friday. You are going to have to make up half the day's time anyway, what's another 20 minutes.