September 17, 2019

Ever Wonder What Accounting Recruiting Seminars Look Like? Here You Go

The following slides were sent to us from a reliable source who works within public accounting in a capacity that does not involve actual accounting. Call that talent acquisition if you'd like, all we know is that our source sat in on an actual seminar about recruiting talent that included these actual slides. I don't really know where to start with this so let's get right to the slides. Excuse the crazy format, I didn't have much to work with here.

Alright so these aren't that bad (random "FaceBook" capitalization aside). Not sure if I'm down with the idea of incessantly texting high schoolers to get them to join your firm but I don't think that was necessarily the point here. I hope. "Roar at the young ones" is a little creepy but we kind of get the point… I guess. Let's move on.

OK so #7 and #6 aren't bad, right? Beta Alpha Psi – smart. Take them to a baseball game – also smart. Tchotchkes are ALWAYS a good idea, even if they just end up cluttering up our already cluttered world. If it weren't for tchotchkes, I wouldn't have my Deloitte Silly Putty, Reznick Rubik's Cube, PwC "Be Yourself" t-shirt and pair of WorldCom drinking glasses. Besides, isn't that how child rapists get kids into their van, by handing out free candy? Work it. Moving on…

OK, NOW we have a problem here. Treat 'em like pampered pets?! Is this for real or did someone switch the slides? Can you imagine how postal this little unsuspecting recruit will go once he arrives to work on his first day after months of getting his spoiled little butt kissed by recruiters? So what, the firm should give this kid a candy bar as a treat on his first day as their little way of saying "thanks for signing on, we're about to make your life miserable for the next two years if you can hang so here is a Milky Way"? Way to set up unrealistic expectations. But wait, folks, it gets worse.

Jesus H Christ, weren't we just talking about this? SEND COOKIES?! Fuck you, there are no cookies, bitch! It's a lie. There's money and maybe tail and competition and cattiness and maybe you'll learn something along the way but baiting these poor kids and their naive parents with cookies and thank you notes is just mean. And lame. I hope these recruiters leave the "son/daughter" part in when they send these hand-written thank you notes.

Valentine's Day cards from hot recruiters is just weird. I worked with some of these types in my CPA review days and I have to say a lot of them are genuinely awesome on top of being good looking. For them to send V-Day cards to young recruits is just… strange. Maybe creepy. Possibly bordering on harassment.

So. "Go after the parents" is #1. I'm not sure how old these slides are but I don't like the sound of that.

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