Ed. note: Troubled this busy season? Email us your predicament at firstname.lastname@example.org.
For the most part, the emails we receive seeking advice are genuine. We have struggling GPA’ers and struggling interviewers. Managers tempted by the partner carrot and the curious public-to-public hopper. And generally, you all turn out solid, noteworthy advice.
This is not one of those cases.
What we have here is a budding summer intern. He hopes to take part in E&Y’s Global Student Exchange (GSE), otherwise known to you current staffers as “my potential bonus gone to waste.” We need not receive an email inquiring about the benefits of the program, or looking for a firm-by-firm comparison of international programs, or even a curiosity about which country has the most lenient drug test policy. No, no. This particular contributor wants you to help him with his essay.
Subject: E&Y Global Student Exchange Program
I’m sure I will take a lot of shit for asking this but what the hell, I can take it. So I'm starting my summer internship with EY in a couple of months and they just released the application for a Global Student Exchange, GSE. It's basically just getting to do 2 weeks of your internship abroad which sounds great. However, I think I'm not the only person who would love to do this and have heard it is pretty competitive. So… I thought I would cheat on my homework. I was wondering if anyone had any insight on the type of shit they were looking for me to feed them or any ideas of what I should say. It's a short 300-500 word essay and this is the question. "Ernst & Young is the most globalized firm of the Big Four and thinking globally is a key component of our people culture. Tell us why the opportunity to intern abroad is important to your personal and professional development and how this experience will enhance Ernst & Young's global leadership position."
In the words of Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers: Really? REALLY?!
What, was your mother not available? Did she refuse to help you after the way you thanklessly used her talents on your college essays? Really?? Are you too busy balancing your March Madness flip cup tourney and your Tax 201 exam? Come on. Really. It is bad, lazy apples like you that ruin it for the rest of your hard working, good-intentioned Millennial peers. When the retired, double-pensioned and Social Security guzzling gym teacher sits on the front porch of his over-mortgaged house and complains that young HIPSTERS are ruining this country’s future, he’s looking at YOU.
I don’t know what kind of advice you’re expecting to receive from the GC crowd. It’s March. It’s busy season. And here you are asking for advice on how to take part in a two-week
vacation internship overseas; an internship that we all know is an HR gimmick to promote each firm on campus and suck talent away from the competition. God speed, sir.