July 21, 2018

Eager Beaver Learns the Hard Way That LinkedIn Is Not an Appropriate Avenue for Dick Pics

Over the years, we have shared dozens upon dozens of tips for making the most of LinkedIn or, as I like to think of it, Facebook for spammers and soulless corporate drones. Most of us are on it but still don’t quite understand why or what we’re supposed to do with it, aside from its functionality as an excellent stalking tool. The platform is especially useful for determining the long-term earning potential of that semi-cute guy you met on Tinder; if he’s a worthless bum, LinkedIn will let you know.

What LinkedIn definitely isn’t is a direct dating channel. Like, not at all. You might get away with borderline tweets and drunk Facebook messaging after 10pm on a Friday, but what you won’t get away with is flirting via LinkedIn message. Seriously. No one ever talks about drunk LinkedIn-ing because no one actually does that. Hell, people barely LinkedIn sober. You shouldn’t even joke in LinkedIn messages, because how sad is your life that you have to use your best jokes on your manager and that guy you met at a conference three years ago. No jokes, no winky emojis, and definitely no randy exchanges that end with unsolicited photos of your junk.

I can’t believe I’m even about to type this out but here it goes: do not, I repeat, DO NOT send pics of your junk to people on LinkedIn.

Now, why would I have to say this? I’m glad you asked. Because some Anthony Weiner, LLP got overly excited and allegedly did it.

Bloomberg reports:

In a lawsuit filed Tuesday night in Los Angeles, a mid-level financial industry professional identified only as Jane Doe alleged that a recruitment conversation on LinkedIn took a turn for the inappropriate when she received sexual messages from a banker—using his corporate account—who had been trying to recruit her. One of the messages included a photograph of his genitals.

Listen, we all feel a little randy from time-to-time. That’s when you hit up Grindr or Tinder or What-the-hell-evr to get your rocks off. How does someone even log in to LinkedIn and get so turned on they have to start unleashing dick pics on someone they barely know who is simply looking for a job? I mean really.

Bloomberg continues:

From December 2015 and March of this year, [unwitting dick pic assault victim Jane] Doe, who works for a Fortune 500 company in California, and Aaron Eichler, identified in the complaint as a managing director at SunTrust Robinson Humphrey Inc., a unit of SunTrust Banks Inc., exchanged several dozen messages. The two met when Doe, at a previous employer, worked on a deal that involved Eichler’s company, Doe said in an interview. Eichler initially messaged Doe about potential job opportunities. When Doe expressed interest in hearing more, the messages shifted from professional, she alleged. “So what are you doing up so late?! Here’s my number if you wanna play,” wrote Eichler, according to court filings. He later added that it could be a “late night secret” before sending a graphic photograph, she alleged. After Doe didn’t reply, he wrote “Ugh, I guess I screwed up 🙁 bummer dude.”

Complainant Doe said the surprise trouser snake “shocked” her, but that she didn’t know how to block the guy.

The Bloomberg piece goes on to describe several instances of racy overreach, including some guy who tried to get a recruiter to have phone sex with him in exchange for money, and other “weird” messages from creeps.

“I’ve had my fair share of weird messages on LinkedIn, so my standard practice is not to accept invites from anyone (mostly men) that I do not know or are not affiliated with my industry,” said a woman who works for a technology firm and requested anonymity for professional reasons. “In short, [LinkedIn] is not much more professional than any other social network site, in that people are messy and bring their messes everywhere.”

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with some of you people. There are people out there whose actual job it is to have phone sex, you could probably even find them on LinkedIn.

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