September 20, 2019

A CPA’s Guide to a Successful Observance of St. Patrick’s Day

For CPAs, St. Patrick's Day is usually just one of several holidays that becomes a casualty of busy season. On Presidents' Day we were unable to engage in parliamentary procedure, on Mardi Gras we are unable to get laid, and on Valentine's Day we are unable to get laid1.

Proper observance of St. Patrick's Day requires three components: a spiritual component, a green component, and a drunken component–all of which will be easier to do this year because St. Patrick's Day falls on a Sunday. (You're not officially required to work on Sundays, but you're unofficially expected to work on Sundays. Add St. Patrick's Day, and you've pretty much got a free pass to dick around. At work.)

For CPAs, St. Patrick's Day is usually just one of several holidays that becomes a casualty of busy season. On Presidents' Day we were unable to engage in parliamentary procedure, on Mardi Gras we are unable to get laid, and on Valentine's Day we are unable to get laid1.

Proper observance of St. Patrick's Day requires three components: a spiritual component, a green component, and a drunken component–all of which will be easier to do this year because St. Patrick's Day falls on a Sunday. (You're not officially required to work on Sundays, but you're unofficially expected to work on Sundays. Add St. Patrick's Day, and you've pretty much got a free pass to dick around. At work.)
 
Spiritual Component
The Feast Day of St. Patrick commemorates the arrival of Christianity in Ireland in the fourth century AD. Because of this, Ireland has been a land of peace and harmony for nearly fifteen years.
 
Saint Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, and Saint Matthew is the patron saint of accountants. St. Matthew was given to accountants because he was a tax collector. Makes sense that he's our patron saint because without tax collectors many of us wouldn't have a job, nor would we take the Lord's name in vain with as much regularity and passion.
 
Fortunately as accountants we don't have to do any Hail Mary's on March 17th because we'll do plenty of them on April 15th.
 
According to Wikipedia's army self-deputized fact-knowers, "Lenten restrictions on drinking alcohol are lifted on St. Patrick's Day." That's a sweet Lent loophole! And as accountants, we're particularly adept at exploiting loopholes.
 
Green Component
We all know what happens if you don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day: you get pinched by ugly people. Attractive people are allowed to enforce the green clothes rule, but for some reason, it's always just little kids and ugly people.
 
If you're a CPA and you comply with the St. Patrick’s Day dress code by wearing a green eyeshade, you won't get pinched by an ugly person, but I hope you get punched in the balls because that nerdy crap reflects on all of us.
 
Then there's always the button. Usually these are worn by people who are already wearing too much green–like if the Hulk had sex with a leprechaun and they had their bastard child photographed by Ann Geddes as a head of lettuce. But then there's the one guy who has absolutely no green at all except a "Everyone's Irish on St. Patty's Day!" button because he couldn't find one that said "Here's my Green. Go Pinch Someone Else, Ugly."
 
Drinking Component
As was mentioned earlier, Wikipedia believes that the pope is okay with you getting plastered on St. Patrick's Day, so here are some great drinking games to play at the office.
 
Quarterlies: Each player attempts to bounce one of his clients' financial statements off of a table and into a shot glass. If2 the player misses, he or she has to drink.
 
Paperless Office: Take a shot every time you use the printer. Destroy the planet and your liver.
 
Power Billable Hour: This is a variation of the popular game Power Hour (where the participants take a shot of beer every minute for an hour). In this game, you take a shot of liquor every six-minutes. At the end of the hour, you call a client and ask them if they have any questions about their engagement letter.
 
If you play these games at work, you'll have a memorable St. Patrick's Day3 and a steady unemployment check for weeks to come.
 
1 On Presidents' Day we were also unable to get laid. On most days accountants are unable to get laid.
2 When
3 You won't remember it.
 

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