Today is Valentine's Day, and there are a lot of pissed off accountants because of it. Every year busy season robs us of all of the most random American holidays: Groundhog Day, April Fools' Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Valentine's Day, to name a few1. Today, on top of the pressure to not disappoint the partner at work, we have the pressure to not disappoint the partner at home. Every morning we debate taking the time to bathe, but today we're expected to take the time to plan and execute a thoughtful Valentine's Day experience.
And God bless the office admin who delivers heart shaped sugar cookies with pink frosting and sprinkles directly to our cubicles, but she's making things worse. She's only been at the firm for six weeks and has done more for you on Valentine's Day than you have planned for the person you've shared your life with for the past 14 years2
But there's totally a way to leverage this for you and for your life partner. Your supply of time is fixed, and the demand for your time is at its seasonal high. Therefore your time will never be more valuable than it is right now. Of course, your clients don't buy your time. They buy results. The only reason they care about how long it takes you to update their depreciation schedule and maximize the balance of Section 179 deduction versus bonus depreciation is because your firm makes them care by billing them by the hour
On the other hand, your spouse/significant other truly wants your time, and (unless you've been too embarrassed to tell your spouse that you're an accountant) he/she will understand the incredible demand for it right now.
Giving your time on Valentine's Day is akin to giving flowers. You might think that paying $60 for twelve dead plant sex organs is not an appealing value proposition, but you're thinking about it all wrong. What you're saying with a gift of flowers is, "You and your pleasure, no matter how temporary, are worth whatever price I may have been gouged with for these dead plant sex organs."
Oh, damn, that was good. Until the end.
So tonight, if at all possible, take your better half3
out to dinner, convincingly pretend like the 1.8-hour wait at Cheesecake Factory is no big deal, focus your attention on him or her, and don't rush the meal. If work comes up make up some BS like, "If my audit manager gets pissed because I don't make my minimum 55 chargeable hours this week, he can go to hell. Right now, I'm just glad to be right here, right now with you."
To be super smooth, place an envelope on your nightstand with your lover's name on it. Inside the envelope put an invoice for $437.50 from your office for 3.5 hours of your time. After you're done consummating the evening, hand him/her the envelope, then immediately take it back and say, "Don't worry. I'll take care of this one for you." Depending on your delivery, that move could be some major Don Juan/Valentino finesse. Or it could ruin your relationship. Go big or go home (to your parents' basement).
1 Busy season, however, gives me a good excuse to not go to church, even on Easter. 2 Plus she's so fucking happy every God damn day. I thought she just got rejected from beauty school. 3 I have officially run out of gender- and sexual-orientation-neutral ways to say "wife"
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