BuzzFeed will let anyone and their mama post on their platform, including myself (see: 13 Things Only People Who Are Human Will Understand). Not wanting to be left out of the fun, EY has partnered (read: paid) with BuzzFeed to feed their carefully crafted message — in gif form, no less — to unsuspecting young BuzzFeed readers.
In 15 Reasons Your First Real Job Is 100% Better Than School, EY is desperately trying to convince you the "real world" is so much cooler than school. After all, as the post points out, they "literally pay you to be here."
Let's destroy this list one by one, shall we? Below you will find the list as presented by EY, with their clever little comments (EY) countered by ours (GC). We'll be swapping out EY's laughable gifs for more realistic ones.
1. There’s motivation to wear real clothes.
EY: You’re no longer that annoying guy who dressed up for class. You’re that class-act who dressed up for work.
GC: You call the same wrinkled blue shirt every day real clothes? I've seen your "class-acts," EY, they aren't doing much better than me writing this from a cafe wearing a cat hair covered t-shirt.
2. Business travel is secretly a dream come true.
EY: And not so secretly paid for by the company.
GC: YES, I know I love jetting off to Kansas and staying at the Midwest's most stunning Radissons.
3. At work, your phone is an asset, not a violation.
*note: this is the gif EY used and it is perfect so we're using it too.
EY: In fact, you’re supposed to be emailing.
GC: In reality, you'll be playing Fruit Ninja on the toilet while you softly cry and wonder when this torture called busy season will end.
4. There are neither bogus tests on regurgitated knowledge…
5. …nor random classes that you’re only taking to fulfill a requirement.
GC: But there is the CPA exam and BOY is that going to be fun when you're also working on your client's year end.
6. You’re not just practicing on dummies and case studies anymore. All that pretend work is now real.
EY: With great power comes great responsibility.
GC: It's only real when the PCAOB inspectors come around.
7. If you’re good at your job, they might… like… give you more money.
GC: But probably not overtime for those 60+ hour weeks.
8. Some jobs offer this fascinating concept called “working from home.”
EY: It’s a subset of this “work-life balance” initiative. You’ll get to know it well.
GC: Some jobs offer this fascinating concept called "working from home" but yours is not one of them.
9. And when you earn your time off, you’re more inclined to DO SOMETHING more than watch Netflix all day.
10. Computers are usually given to you. And so are IT people.
EY: No more lines for a Mac Genius. He’s down the hall!
GC: And he hates your face.
11. Co-workers make the best, most distracting friends.
EY: Think about it. If you’re working the same job, you probably have the same interests.
GC: Even if you don't, eventually you will develop Stockholm Syndrome from those endless hours of staring at each other's faces in cramped audit rooms.
12. Compared to classmates, they’re less likely to drop the ball.
EY: Because “getting fired” is a thing.
GC: Because like you, they just want to get their two years in and get the fuck out of here.
13. Everyone you left at school is jealous of your freedom.
EY: Sorry, but it feels SO great to change that lingering LinkedIn title from “Intern” to “Real Job.”
GC: Freedom? You haven't had to wear sunglasses in 6 months due to the fact that you are usually inside. Working.
14. Your parents are all sorts of relieved.
EY: They’ve (almost!) stopped guilt-tripping you about everything.
GC: Secretly, your mom wanted you to be a lawyer but since you're no longer begging them for rent money, this'll do.
15. And on days when you work late, you’re really just buying time to play late later.
EY: It’s a direct transaction.
GC: hahahahahahaha I can't even.
There you have it. I believe between us, we gave you not just 15 reasons why EY's post was nonsense but 30 reasons to go into another career. You know, something nice and relaxing like heart surgeon or garbage man.