Perhaps it is not a coincidence that the bro who abandoned his Deloitte bros for KPMG and the following bro from PwC both work in the Washington Metro; sports-themed farewells may officially be a thing now.
Whether or not it's a trend, it sure beats past farewell emails we've seen that go on for days and days, cry for help, and burn bridges in the most spectacularly awkward way possible. Surely it's no "And When I Leave Come Together Like Butt Cheeks" but it'll do.
The farewell follows (names changed to protect the innocent):
[Gary Goodburger] replicated all of his Aura databases for the last time today, announcing his retirement while still in the prime of his career. While such departures are common for auditors in his position, the next step for [Goodburger] deviates from what is normally seen in the industry.
"The reason I am retiring is very simple," [Goodburger] said in a statement released today. "My passion for sports is greater than my passion for accounting."
[Goodburger], 26, leaves auditing with four busy seasons under his belt. There has been much speculation in the past year that he would sign an extension with his current team, be traded to a different market team, or even sign as a senior accountant in the private sector. However, [Goodburger] said it just felt like the right time to leave accounting.
“Hanging up my 10-key will not be easy,” he said during an emotional press conference. “I have had a lot of great coaches and teammates during my time in this game, and I will forever cherish those relationships.”
Take note, kids. If you're going to leave and want to write a ridiculous farewell email, this is the way to do it. Acknowledge the people you worked with (politely, that is, don't say "you're fake important and you stink" like someone we know), let them know you appreciate them, and move on.
A high-profile signing out of the University of Maryland, [Goodburger] became an early fixture of the late-night sametime scene when he started his career on the year-end audit for [Client A]; yes, the [Client A].
Former PwCer, [Molly Wifflebat], who joined the [Client A] team at the same time as [Goodburger] and acted as his mentor for three seasons, recounted their time together.
“You could always tell that he cared about his teammates,” said [Wifflebat] via conference call. “His willingness to grind out late nights and weekends with me was always appreciated.”
After [Client A], [Goodburger] transitioned to [Team A], which is where he would call home for the majority of his career. Only two other members of that team are intact, making him the third most tenured team member when his Lenovo T420 powers down for the last time.
“I am proud of my time at [Team A],” said [Goodburger]. “It was a challenging environment that made me develop into the audit powerhouse that I am today. I have seen the team grow a lot during my time there and wish them success in future seasons.”
Again, pure sportsmanship here.
[Goodburger] cites his time at the Discover leadership experience as the driving force behind his decision to retire at this time. Fellow Discover participants [Mickey Felch] and [Tina Basura] said they could see a change in [Goodburger] while at the Terranea Resort.
“I think the Tai Chi really allowed him to realize his full potential,” said [Felch] from her Baltimore-based apartment. “When getting books signed by Jullien Gordon, I gave him the super hero name, The Sports Guy. He is a coaching machine and will always remain on my sametime list, but when I saw him use his Tai Chi moves on the dance floor, I knew it was time for The Sports Guy to pursue a new career.”
“[Gary]’s Discover coach told him that he isn’t the best on the phone because he tends to be a little monotone,” said [Basura] while watching the Phillies beat down on the Mets. “[Mickey] and I noticed that we could hear more excitement in his voice when he talked about sports, or when he was singing What Does The Fox Say. We weren’t sure if he would be able to join Ylvis, so we encouraged the move towards sports.”
Fellow senior associate [Tad Huguenot] has been with [Goodburger] since their days as interns in the summer of 2009. “It was clear from the first time we played the initials game at training that this was a beautiful sports mind. You give this man two letters and he will instantly produce a middle reliever from the 1990’s with those initials – remarkable.”
[Goodburger] sat next to his coach [Stan Peterman] as he addressed the media for the last time. He credited her with being extremely supportive as he transitions to the next phase of his life, as well as for being a great mentor in the field.
He stated that there are too many people that he would like to thank to name them all, but that he feels fortunate to have had the ability to share emoticons with so many intelligent and driven people.
“Thank you again to all who have been there for me along the way over the past four years,” said [Goodburger] in closing his press conference. “I will always treasure my time at this firm and I truly appreciate everyone that has been there for me when I needed them.”
Was it a little over the top? Sure. Was it long and maybe a little self-serving? Sure. Will it go down in the Hall of Fame as one of the best farewell emails ever? Probably not, but that's because only the career-ruining farewells have that distinction.
May we all wish [Gary] the best of luck in his future endeavors.