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So, yesterday, I’m opening my mail and am thrilled to find an envelope from Diners Club International. Inside, of course, I find my newly minted KPMG corporate card, all ready for me to start ringing up charges on airfare to BFE, Ohio, for inventory counts, midnight room service at the local Marriott, and lukewarm group dinners from the nearest 2.5-star Italian restaurant.Seeing that I had been re-upped for a new expiration date 4 years in the future, I could hardly contain my excitement at the thought of spending four more years of my prime cooped up in our clients’ finest
janitor closetsconference rooms.Then, as if awakening from a nightmare in a cold sweat, I realized that I left KPMG more than 6 months ago. So, what is this? The well-deserved parting gift I always knew I deserved? Not likely. Realizing that (gasp) a world-wide firm which is in the business of sniffing out corporate accounting errors and lapses in internal control had somehow managed to let this egregious mistake go unnoticed, I immediately called 1-800-KPMG-HEL(L) to report this oversight. Wait. No I didn’t. I did what any self-respecting former capital markets servant would do---I emailed my former co-workers and told them I’d be hosting an open bar at the establishment of their choice this Friday.One reply to that invite came from another former-KPMG’er who said that he ALSO received his new card yesterday! Which got me thinking, “Oh, boy. This could get fun.”So, short story long, I am certain that if this happened to 2 different people from the same (relatively small) office, there have got to be thousands of Diners Club cards going out to ex-Klynveldians nationwide. Anyone else out there get the same delightful present from good old Uncle Pete? Depending on the size of the contingent of former KPMG’ers holding a newly issued corporate card, we may be looking at one HELLUVA fun expense-reporting cycle coming up. Or maybe this is their way of compensating me for all that “unpaid overtime” we’ve been hearing about in those class action suits.Either way, this next drink is poured out to you, Johnny V.
Before we get rolling here, let me just say that Adrienne and I would almost never condone any illegal activity of any kind. You people serve the capital markets! It's important that you do so with the utmost respect for your corporate expense accounts and that all your made up business purposes are, at the very least, plausible. If you don't, well, we know Ernst & Young deals with these people.
Now, then. This situation. I tried emailing George Ledwith, the Director of Communications for the firm to see if anyone at the firm had heard about these wayward Diners cards, but I haven't heard back. And for the "pics or it didn't happen" crowd, our tipster did provide us with this:
No, it's not ironclad evidence, but really there's no way to actually confirm that Diners Club cards have been mistakenly sent to several ex-KPMG employees unless 1) you email us and include photos, of course or 2) KPMG actually admits that mistakes were made, returns my email with details on the situation. I think you know what is more likely in this case.
If you are an ex-Klynveldian and you did happen to receive one of these little plastic treasures in the mail, I'd encourage you to hide it in a safe place before you have anything to drink today. Then when you wake up tomorrow you'll have one less decision to regret.