• Big 4

    KPMG Concerned Employees Can’t Resist Banging One Another

    By | January 21, 2015

    According to a tipster, KPMG distributed this the other day, because apparently sleeping with your coworkers is a serious problem over there.

    Wasn't EY the Big 4 firm with the audit partner screwing the client? Regardless, auditors need to avoid sleeping with clients because it might be an independence violation!

    No matter how heated things get in the audit room, you have to avoid sleeping with your coworkers, too. We get it, you're captive in that windowless room with your colleague and it all starts to make sense the more you're locked up in that tiny space. Like Stockholm Syndrome, but in your pants. One minute you're testing internal controls, the next you've lost yours.

    Let's note, too, that worse than sleeping with your colleagues is trying to sleep with your colleagues and getting shut down. HR people call this "sexual harassment" but let's call it what it really is: rejection.

    The entire thing is part of a bigger newsletter called "Integrity Matters," which someone at KPMG is patting themselves on the back for coming up with.

    Welcome to the inaugural edition of the “Integrity Matters” newsletter. As the title’s double meaning suggests, this communication is designed to provide practical information about ethics and compliance topics (“matters”) and demonstrate the many ways our core value of “above all, we act with integrity” is important.

    GET IT??

    Getting entangled in a messy office romance is so not above all, acting with integrity, so it makes sense that whoever comes up with this stuff would choose to focus on that right out of the gate.

    How often does this happen that they now feel compelled to remind everyone to resist the urge to hook up? For fiscal 2014, KPMG says it investigated 18 reports of "improper relationships," 7 of which were substantiated. Here's the breakdown:

    • 3 partners and 1 senior manager were separated from the firm
    • 1 senior manager received a written reprimand, a rating reduction and no bonus
    • 1 senior manager received a written reprimand and loss of a managing director promotion
    • 3 managers and 2 senior associates received written reprimands
    • 1 associate was counseled

    In one case, the hooked up relationshipees were ratted out through the ethics hotline but attempted to deny their fiery passions:

    An anonymous report was made through the E&C Hotline, that two professionals—in a direct reporting line—were involved in an inappropriate relationship. Specifically, the reporter alleged that the junior professional was receiving preferential treatment because of the relationship.

    Firmwide Security conducted an investigation, which determined that the individuals were involved in a romantic relationship that had not been disclosed as required by firm policy. In addition, the individuals involved were not truthful in responding to the questions asked of them during the course of the investigation— first denying the relationship and later admitting it, but claiming that it had ended, when in fact it had not.

    The findings were shared with the individuals’ functional leadership, who determined that the senior professional should be separated from the firm. The junior professional received a written reprimand and the performance review rating was negatively impacted.

    It wasn't the actual banging that got them in trouble so much as it was the lying about the banging. You know, not disclosing the relationship and then refusing to be honest when asked about it by the firm. Surely there's some rule in the AICPA Code of Conduct that states you can sleep with other CPAs, you just have to admit it.

    Here's the document for your reading pleasure. Don't worry, it's a far cry from 50 Shades

    KPMG front page post

    • B4Senior

      I’m glad they spelled out that 38% is “nearly 2 in 5” people. Fractions are hard!

      • N.E.R.D.

        Not all of us are mathletes, okay?

      • herman

        I would normally consider that nearly 4 in 10 people.

    • Jenny Stein

      It sounds like last year’s KPMG Kuddling Kampaign was a little more successful than planned.

      • Happy P.O.S. Accountant

        This comment for the win

        • Big4Veteran

          Agreed! What did KPMG think was going to happen when they encouraged people to cuddle? Everyone knows what cuddling leads to.

          • JustAnotherCPA

            SEX!

          • UA CPA

            Dancing?

          • Guest

            Premarital hand holding?

            • JustAnotherCPA

              …while looking out at the cityscape through giant plate glass windows.

          • FartDude

            sexual harrassment?

    • Management Assertion

      I doubt employees intent on “banging” have the time and inclination to read corporate crap about “risks.” What happened to the risks of pregnancy and STDs, and most importantly your wife finding out. Those would be more apropos to this situation.

      • Big4Veteran

        Those are personal issues. The firm doesn’t give a shit about that. This is about the firm covering its ass. When they have to fire an employee for fucking the client (for example), they can point to this newsletter and say “we gave you the policy”.

        • Management Assertion

          What do you mean personal issues? Isn’t sex a personal issue, perhaps the most personal of all?

          Anyone who would admit to “fucking” a client, or a co-worker, to a corporate goon of all people, should be fired for cowardice and stupidity.

          But then an employee telling a boss that it is none of his business does not really make the news.

          • Big4Veteran

            I guess you missed my point. I’ll detail it out for you…

            “What happened to the risks of pregnancy and STDs, and most importantly your wife finding out. Those would be more apropos to this situation.”

            These are personal risks/issues. The firm doesn’t give a shit if you get an STD or knocked up or if your spouse finds out. That’s your problem.

            What the firm does care about is you costing them a client because you impaired the firm’s independence by fucking the Controller, for example. By communicating the firm’s policy regarding such matters to you, they are covering themselves for down the road if they have to fire you (and possibly sue you) for fucking the Controller. You can’t use the “I didn’t know this was against policy” defense because they will just point to the newsletter they gave you that explained the policy.

            • Management Assertion

              Yes I understand your point, no need to repeat it. But you missed my point. It is none of the firm’s business who someone fucks.

              What costs the firm is the firm’s problem, not yours.

              Policies are irrelevant if everyone ignores them, and if no one admits to having broken them.

              The defense “I did not know about the policy” is idiotic, and idiots should be let go. A better defense is “it is none of your (corporation’s) damn business” but that defense does not get much press, the press being controlled by corporations, after all.

            • Big4Veteran

              I’m as anti-corporation as any commenter in the history of this site (no one can question my credentials on this), but what you just said is crazy talk.

              “What costs the firm is the firm’s problem, not yours.”

              If you are an employee of the firm, of course it is your problem (in addition to the firm’s) if your activities create a conflict of interest or an independence issue with a client. As an employee of the firm, you agree not to engage in activities which impair your independence from your clients, for example.

              “Policies are irrelevant if everyone ignores them, and if no one admits to having broken them.”

              Everyone doesn’t ignore them. The vast majority follow the policies, if for no reason other than to not get fired. Where the firm gets burned is the small percentage of employees who don’t follow the policies and end up costing the firm.

              There is no policy against fucking co-workers. But there are protocols for doing so. If you follow the protocols, there’s nothing for you to worry about. If you don’t like the protocols, then your employment is “at will”, which means your are free to leave and continue fucking your former co-worker without having to worry about complying with any policies.

            • Management Assertion

              What is “crazy talk?”

              You think it sane to explain the details of your personal sex life to a company lawyer, as part of a company “policy.” Or to ask HR for approval before dating someone?

              You should see a psychologist. There is no excuse on earth for a firm to butt in someone’s personal life.

              Unless you are running Boko Haram in an African jungle, or ISIL in the Arabian desert, with claims to all the women you can kidnap, it makes little sense to regulate the sex lives of others.

            • Jennifer

              “What costs the firm is the firm’s problem, not yours.”

              That is not an attitude that is likely to help one remain employed.

            • Management Assertion

              Lol, if you value employment more than X you are more likely to not receive X. And vice-versa, if you value employment more than not receiving Y, you are more likely to receive Y.

              Bottom line, never but the firm above yourself.

              And where is the opposite argument, that the firm’s revenues are really your personal gain? Why accept the firm’s losses but not the gains?

            • Big4Veteran

              “Bottom line, never but [sic] the firm above yourself.”

              In other words, fuck whoever you want. And if it costs the firm a client, that’s the firm’s problem not yours.

            • Management Assertion

              “In other words, fuck whoever you want. And if it costs the firm a client, that’s the firm’s problem not yours.”

              Couldn’t have said it better myself. We’re making progress 🙂

            • Big4Veteran

              So basically you’re just a troll. Shit, the King Troll has been trolled. #smh

            • STDs = more healthcare costs = higher premiums = higher healthcare costs.

            • Another exKPMGer

              Almost, they’re all self-insured so their are no higher premiums for the company. You jump straight to STD = More Healthcare costs, similar to Pregnancy = More Healthcare Costs, similar to Scorned Wife = Gelded Employee = More Healthcare Costs

    • Bloviator

      “Firmwide Security conducted an investigation, which determined that the individuals were involved in a romantic relationship that had not been disclosed as required by firm policy. ”

      That investigation probably involved much more unethical activity than two horny employees hooking up. Pretexting, illegal access to cell phone records, physical surveillance, etc.

      • B4Senior

        Why would it be illegal access to cell phones? I was under the impression that the firm can look at firm-sponsored phone/computer records at any point for any reason.

        • Bloviator

          Remember the Hewlett-Packard internal investigation gone awry circa 2006? That’s what I was thinking of.

      • Big4Veteran

        Or maybe the investigation just involved an allegation, followed by interviews of the fuck buddies resulting in confessions?

        It’s not always a giant conspiracy.

        • Bloviator

          True, but doesn’t “Firmwide Security” sound kinda dramatic?

          • Big4Veteran

            The firms love to come up with dramatic names for things. Why call something “Audit” when you can call it “Business Assurance Services”?

          • The Horniest Partner

            Will Devasher from the Firm comes to mind. “not just screwing, Mitch, all kinds of intimate acts, oral and what not”

          • BasisPoints

            “EY Global Security” contacted me, since I had not switched to the new badge for 9 months… guess using the old badge to enter the building constituted a terror threat

            • Bloviator

              Yes, and think how many times you swipe that badge per day. A record of your physical movement is available to those who care to look. I’ve inspected such records when investigating insurance fraud cases.

    • UA CPA

      Giving new meaning to the term “HR Fluffer”.

    • 080080

      Well if not your coworkers, then who are you supposed to bang? You gotta bang SOMEBODY, and it ain’t gonna be your your wife or girlfriend because you physically have to be with them to do so.

    • The Horniest Partner

      oh to be young again and in public accounting. Times were different in the 90s.

      • Nasdaq

        Cocaine, sex, and HIV amright?

        • The Horniest Partner

          and throw in some Ally McBeal watch parties

        • FartDude

          wasn’t that the 80’s?
          I thought the 90’s were heroin, sex, and rehab

    • Chris

      The reality of it is is that when you spend every waking moment at work you really have no other choice but I bang your cube mate. I wonder if KPMG would be cool with me railing the cleaning crew…

      • herman

        No habla ingles?

      • PWC FTN Whipping Boy

        Consuela is ready for you Mr. Chris

        • Chris

          Oh, muey caliente

        • dadsmayor

          No, no. I clean.

    • cool story brah

      Banging someone on your team is pretty satisfying

    • exkpmg
    • sludgemonkey

      Chipman69 surely has some input on this. After all, he go this moniker from his actions in the staff room at GT.

    • Sammy K

      Did anyone ask HR or risk management or an attorney if discussing the private sex lives of employees is appropriate? I hope they are sued to no end.