• Donald Trump’s Accountants Should Quit

    By | June 17, 2015

    Yesterday, shaved orangutan Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. No, not of the local billionaires-only KKK chapter; of the United States.

    Yes, the country that most of you currently reside in. President of the United States. It's not a joke.

    Well, on second thought, it actually is

    During his gold-dusted self-orgy of narcissism, Trump talked about his wealth at length because that's all he likes to talk about. Anyone who was short on toilet paper took a copy of a balance sheet that shows his net worth to be $8.7 billion and some of your brethren worked long and hard to come up with that number: 

    He held up a laminated single sheet of paper disclosing his financial particulars, and said, "A large accounting firm, one of the best in the world, has been working for months on this. I saw somewhere they said I had assets of $9 billion. I said 'That's the wrong number.'"

    MONTHS, I TELL YOU.

    And never mind that Forbes puts his net worth closer to $4 billion; if you're an accountant working for a scary orange oaf, the numbers are what the giant oompa loompa says they are. You do as your told or, I'm sure…ugh…you're fired.  

    Now, whoever the accountants at the "large accounting firm, one of the best in world" are, let me just say to you: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation where your work is used by your windbag of a client to measure himself in front of innocent children and grown adults who can't understand that they are being patronized to by a shameless man who only wants some attention from them that he probably never got from his Dad. It's a damn unfortunate situation for you and I just want you to know that we're all sorry you're in it.

    So, please, if you have the strength, I ask that you to resign from your posts immediately and dedicate the rest of your accounting days to something more worthwhile which would be, literally, anything. Please do not ignore this plea. It's really the best move for you. You're still accountants and you'll have plenty of opportunities to do meaningful work. 

    Again, we're all sorry you're in this position. We hope you'll do the right thing.

    [Vice]

    • SouthernCPA

      Boy Caleb, you really hate The Donald, huh?

      • Caleb Newquist

        “Hate” is a strong word.

      • Big4Veteran

        I hate The Donald. Can’t speak for Colin though.

        • cpa dude

          Honestly we should all be rooting for trump to declare. Hell a trump clinton whitehouse run would be fantastic. Even when I’ve historically leaned pretty far right the current “right’s” propensity for incredible gaffe’s such as “god intended you to be pregnant”, make it sad when the republican’s cannot win the whitehouse. If they kept the crazy’s in the backyard where they belong I believe they would have much better following, maybe b4v would be a republican then. (insert troll)

      • keepin_it_real

        I like the Donald. He’s providing great entertainment for the GOP nomination. I’m sure the GOP has to be facepalming themselves right now.

        Even all my crazy GOP friends think he’s a clown.

      • MWCPA

        I’m wondering if the GOP has already picked a candidate and that the rest of this is cannon fodder so the chosen one can meet Hilary head-to-head relatively unscathed.

        • IndenturedServant

          Yeah his name is jeb bush.

    • Embezzler

      Accountant: Ok trump, here is your 9 billion asset BS.
      Trump: Don’t forget the $14.8M Miss Universe!!
      Accountant: Its immaterial.
      Trump: No! Show it!! Also, tell them about my planes and golf courses at the beginning when they see i have $300M in cash but don’t bother breaking those out separately!
      Accountant: You want a footnote about golf courses in the cash section??? Okaaay…. that will be out of scope. Also, we need to perform an impairment analysis on your intangibles worth 1/3 of your assets.
      Trump: No, they are worth that much! Print it!!

    • LessChatMoreHat

      anyone else hoping that the large accounting firm turns out to be GT?

      • Roberto Garcia Mori

        yes

      • iamthelolrus

        literally everyone

      • Chipman69

        I’m on the edge of my DYNAMIC seat in anticipation of Donald Trump naming GT as one of the best accounting firms in the world!!!! Everyone knows that GT’s INSTINCT FOR GROWTH allows them to massively overstate asset values for clients in their CHOSEN MARKETS!!!!!

    • Big4Veteran

      So when is Trump going to release the results of the private investigation he was conducting in Hawaii on Obama’s true citizenship? He said his crack PIs had uncovered all sorts of interesting info.

      Hopefully the report will be coming out soon.

    • Big4Veteran

      For the record, I agree with everything Colin said above, except the part about the accountants still having opportunities to do meaningful work (obviously).

      Side note: Trump isn’t an actual candidate yet, and I’m betting he never will be. To do so would require him to make actual financial disclosure filings with the federal government (the type of filings where bad shit happens if you lie). Trump doesn’t want anyone to know how wealthy he is, probably because in reality he’s a lot less wealthy than he says he is.

      • Another exKPMGer

        Holy shit, I thought you died.

    • Boxiana

      5% leverage? GTFO