Bored PwC Auditor Bid Farewell to Colleagues With a Tedious Email

By | 9 months ago

This is from last week, but it's still worthy of a mention since we don't get the deluge of long-winded, self-absorbed farewell emails like we used to.

The Daily Mail reports that Oliver Alcock didn't take to life as a professional at PwC too well. He found the work boring and was relieved when he got let go after not passing his ACA exams. On his last day, in a bit of irony, he took the time to pen a lackluster farewell email (at least compared to some of the most epic American examples) to his colleagues and, as these things are wont to do, it spread throughout the firm.

A week after he left, his former manager rang Oliver to inform him he was no longer allowed to attend the company summer ball after the board had read and discussed the email.

Which I'm sure Oliver was okay with that.

Fair warning, this is a very British farewell email so you'll follow about two-thirds of it and most of the jokes will fall flat. On the other hand, it is decidedly smug and self-loathing all at once, making it a somewhat enjoyable read:

Afternoon All,

For those of you who didn't know the Stoke-on-Trent dole queue is about to get one man longer as today is my last day at the firm.

In hindsight scraping a B in GCSE maths and getting a Social Sciences 2:1 from Durham that consisted of £1.50 pints and fifa with some light work squashed in, possibly wasn't the best prep for the ACA. Even if we'd actually had some tuition and a decent amount of time to complete the exams my selfish desire to have a social life would probably still have been my downfall….

I don't really go in for wishy washy 'thanks for memories' emails in all honestly I haven't particularly enjoyed much of time at PwC largely related to exam stress and having a low boredom threshold. To chronicle my magical journey through the meat grinder of PwC I've compiled a couple of lists of things that I did and some that I didn't.

What I didn't do:

Stock counts

Understand bank reconciliations

Learn anything about excel

Play table tennis well

Much overtime

Read library procedures

Self Review Work

Ever make it to Lola's after the 3 Summer Balls I attended

Learn anything in a PwC training course

Use Spark

Mince my words in the you matter survey

Consistently pass exams

Give a toss

What I did do:

Resided in three business units gradually getting further and further away from the work I signed up for.

Wear a purple lab coat whilst physically inspecting a hydrocarbon testing lab.

Work on 7 different types of engagements (Jack of all trades doesn't really cover it).

Fudge

Chat absolute shite in EGA's

Claimed a lot of mileage money

Seen the inside of lots of grim local government and NHS buildings

Had to bring my own tea, milk and mug to said buildings

Helped to uncover the 'Clownbridge Clounty Clouncil' £142 Million assets under construction blunder (Real credit to James Yianni I was at least present there)

Physically verified a breast cancer screening van in Dereham

Spent last summer sat in basement in Theford testing housing benefit payments

Did a tour of Stoke on Trent's finest supermarket pharmacies

Physically inspected an operating table as a patient was being wheeled onto it

Attend peergroup meetings completely dominated by (ed: name removed) talking

Met Matthias

Picked Mahrez from the start of the season in the office fantasy football league (still didn't win)

Felt relieved when I was told I was being sacked

As you can see the highlights make it sound interesting but as we all know it generally isn't. To those determined to get to the top of the PwC ponzi scheme I say good luck but there's certainly easier ways to earn money, but I commend your superior boredom thresholds and willingness to sacrifice free time.

All things must however come to an end just like my career prospects and going on facebook at work, so I'll close by mentioning some things I'll miss and some I won't:

I certainly won't miss explaining that I'm not from Yorkshire, getting mocked for speaking differently and explaining that Stoke City are in fact an established Premier League team .

What I will miss is the people I've met. The only thing that has made any of this bearable (in fairness its probably just having someone to moan at), oh and milage money.

So its time for me to roll off this audit permanently leaving a bucket load of unanswered coaching notes, some suspect testing approaches and incomplete testing templates.

Audits' loss is definitely benefit streets' gain.

In a bit….Oliver P

Hilariously, PwC took the high road, wishing Oliver "well and hope he finds a career that is right for him."

[Daily Mail]

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